Metaphysics

WHY and Wherefore set out one day

To hunt for a wild Negation.

They agreed to meet at a cool retreat

On the Point of Interrogation.

But the night was dark and they missed their mark,

And, driven well-nigh to distraction,

They lost their ways in a murky maze

Of utter abstruse abstraction.

Then they took a boat and were soon afloat

On a Sea of Speculation,

But the sea grew rough, and their boat, though tough,

Was split into an Equation.

As they floundered about in the Waves of Doubt

Rose a fearful Hypothesis,

Who gibbered with glee as they sank in the sea,

And the last they saw was this:

On a rock-bound Reef of Unbelief

There sat the wild Negation;

Then they sank once more and were washed ashore

At the Point of Interrogation.

Oliver Herford

The Chimpanzee

CHILDREN, behold the Chimpanzee:

He sits on the ancestral tree

From which we sprang in ages gone.

I'm glad we sprang: had we held on,

We might, for aught that I can say,

Be horrid Chimpanzees to-day.

Oliver Herford

The Hippopotamus

"OH, say, what is this fearful, wild,

Incorrigible cuss?"

"This creature (don't say 'cuss,' my child;

'Tis slang)--this creature fierce is styled

The Hippopotamus.

His curious name derives its source

From two Greek words: hippos--a horse,

Potamos--river. See?

The river's plain enough, of course;

But why they called that thing a horse,

That's what is Greek to me."

Oliver Herford

The Platypus

MY child, the Duck-billed Platypus

A sad example sets for us:

From him we learn how Indecision

Of character provokes Derision.

This vacillating Thing, you see,

Could not decide which he would be,

Fish, Flesh, or Fowl, and chose all three.

The scientists were sorely vexed

To classify him; so perplexed

Their brains, that they, with Rage at bay,

Called him a horrid name one day,--

A name that baffles, frights and shocks us,

Ornithorhynchus Paradoxus.

Oliver Herford

Some Geese

EVERY child who has the use

Of his senses knows a goose.

See them underneath the tree

Gather round the goose-girl's knee,

While she reads them by the hour

From the works of Schopenhauer.

How patiently the geese attend!

But do they really comprehend

What Schopenhauer's driving at?

Oh, not at all; but what of that?

Neither do I; neither does she;

And, for that matter, nor does he.

Oliver Herford

The Mongoos

THIS, Children, is the famed Mongoos.

He has an appetite abstruse:

Strange to relate, this creature takes

A curious joy in eating snakes--

All kinds--though, it must be confessed,

He likes the poisonous ones the best.

From him we learn how very small

A thing can bring about a Fall.

O Mongoos, where were you that day

When Mistress Eve was led astray?

If you'd but seen the serpent first,

Our parents would not have been cursed,

And so there would be no excuse

For MILTON, but for you--Mongoos!

Oliver Herford

The Hen

ALAS, my Child, where is the Pen

That can do Justice to the Hen?

Like Royalty, She goes her way,

Laying foundations every day,

Though not for Public Buildings, yet

For Custard, Cake and Omelette.

Or if too Old for such a use

They have their Fling at some Abuse,

As when to Censure Plays Unfit

Upon the Stage they make a Hit,

Or at elections Seal the Fate

Of an Obnoxious Candidate.

No wonder, Child, we prize the Hen,

Whose Egg is mightier than the Pen.

Oliver Herford