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Quotations #6:  Sarcasm
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     - A -

  1. It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
      --Aeschylus


  2. It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich.
      --Alan Alda


  3. When you're as great as I am, it's hard to be humble.
      --Muhammad Ali


  4. Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
      --Woody Allen


  5. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
      --Woody Allen


  6. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
      --Anonymous


  7. American professional athletes are bilingual: they speak English and profanity.
      --Anonymous


  8. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
      -- Anonymous


  9. If you don't know how to do something, you don't know how to do it with a computer.
      -- Anonymous


  10. American is a very difficult language mixed with English.
      -- Anonymous


  11. If you don't have time to do it right you must have time to do it over.
      --Anonymous


  12. Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.
      --Anonymous


  13. The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.
      --Anonymous


  14. I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is the language I don't understand.
      --Edward Appleton


  15. No opera plot can be sensible, for in sensible situations people do not sing.
      --W. H. Auden


  16.  - B -

  17. Don't try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.
      --Russell Baker


  18. You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
      -- John Barrymore


  19. Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
      -- Robert Benchley


  20. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
      --Hector Berlioz


  21. We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.
      --Ambrose Bierce


  22. The covers of this book are too far apart.
      -- Ambrose Bierce


  23. When a young man begins to go down hill everything seems to be greased for the occasion.
      --Josh Billings


  24. As scarce as the truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.
      --Josh Billings


  25. Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
      --Josh Billings


  26. Its not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient.
      --Josh Billings


  27. Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made.
      --Otto von Bismarck


  28. I have only one ambition left: I should like to have a good epitaph.
      -- Prince Bismark


  29. The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
      --Erma Bombeck


  30. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
      --Erma Bombeck, author

  31. History teaches us virtue, but nature never ceases to teachh us vice.
      --Ludwig Borne


  32. Few minds wear out; more rust out.
      --Christian Nestell Bovee


  33. We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.
      --Wehrner von Braun


  34. Nothing more clearly show how little God esteems his gift to men of wealth, money, position and other wordly goods, than the way he distributes these, and the sort of men who are most amply provided with them.
      -- Jean De La Bruyere


  35. An athiest is a man with no invisible means of support.
      --John Buchan


  36. If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
      -- George Burns


  37. It takes a lot of money to die comfortably.
      --Samuel Butler


  38. All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
      --Samuel Butler


  39.  - C -

  40. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
      -- James Branch Cabell, from The Silver Stallion

  41. The trouble with sports officials is they just don't care who wins.
      --Tommy Canterbury


  42. Unemployment is capitalism's way of getting you to plant a garden.
      --Orson Scott Card


  43. People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: I'm such a klutz! But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
      --George Carlin


  44. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
      --George Carlin


  45. Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
      -- Johnny Carson


  46. Society is made up of two great classes: those who have more dinners than apppetite, and those who have more appetite than dinners.
      --Nicolas Chamfort


  47. If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.
      --Chinese Curse


  48. Nature gives you the face you have at twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. But at fifty you get the face you deserve.
      -- Coco Chanel


  49. The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
      --G.K. Chesterton


  50. Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.
      --Maurice Chevalier


  51. Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
      --Sir Winston Churchill


  52. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
      --Sir Winston Churchill


  53. An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that have been permanently discontinued.
      -- Irvin S. Cobb


  54. The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
      --Harold Coffin


  55. I have never seen pessimism in a Company prospectus.
      -- Sir William Connor (Cassandra)

  56. It is extraordinary how potent cheap music is.
      -- Noel Coward


  57. A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset.
      -- James Gould Cozzens


  58. An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last chapter missing.
      --Quentin Crisp


  59.  - D -

  60. Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.
      -- Frank Dane


  61. History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history.
      --Clarence Darrow


  62. Someday I hope to write a book where the royalties will pay for the copies I give away.
      -- Clarence Darrow


  63. I am a friend of the workingman, I would rather be his friend than be one.
      -- Clarence Darrow


  64. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
      -- Clarence Darrow


  65. Football is not a contact sport. Its a collision sport
      --Duffy Daugherty


  66. Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
      --Jim Davis (Garfield the Cat)

  67. My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
      -- Benjamin Disraeli


  68. Everyone likes flattery, and when it comes to royalty, you should lay it on with a trowel.
      -- Benjamin Disraeli


  69.  - E -

  70. Be the first to say what is self-evident, and you are immortal.
      --M. Ebner-Eschenbach


  71. When Solomon said that there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking an automobile.
      --Bob Edwards


  72. Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
      --Albert Einstein


  73. An atheist is a guy who watches a Notre Dame-SMU football game and doesn't care who wins.
      -- Dwight D. Eisenhower


  74. The years betwen 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.
      -- T S Eliot


  75. People do not deserve good writing, they are so pleased with bad.
      -- Ralph Waldo Emerson


  76. Men are what their mothers made them.
      --Ralph Waldo Emerson


  77. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy -- and Jill a wealthy widow.
      --Evan Esar


  78.  - F -

  79. Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
      -- W. C. Fields


  80. I like children. Properly cooked.
      --W.C. Fields


  81. A conclusion is the place where you got tired thinking.
      --Martin H. Fischer


  82. As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.
      --Carrie Fisher


  83. A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance.
      --Anatole France


  84. To die for an idea is to place a pretty high price on conjectures.
      --Anatole France, from The Revolt of the Angels

  85. The books that everybody admires are those nobody reads.
      -- Anatole France


  86. A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it rains.
      -- Robert Frost


  87. The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office.
      -- Robert Frost


  88.  - G -

  89. Ugliness is in a way superior to beauty because it lasts.
      --Serge Gainsbourg, French vocalist

  90. Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
      --John Kenneth Galbraith


  91. Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, sings.
      --Ed Gardner


  92. You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
      -- Hy Gardner


  93. Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors.
      --Frank Gifford


  94. A clever man commits no minor blunders.
      --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


  95. Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away.
      --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


  96. If a man writes a book, let him set down only what he knows. I have guesses enough of my own.
      --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


  97. I always get the better when I argue alone.
      -- Oliver Goldsmith


  98. Television has raised writing to a new low.
      --Samuel Goldwyn


  99. As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists.
      --Joan Gussow, 1986
  100. Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
      -- Edmund Gwenn, last word


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