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Quotations #6:  Sarcasm
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     - H -

  1. I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.
      -- Alfred Hitchcock


  2. There is nothing quite so good as burial at sea. It is simple, tidy, and not very incriminating.
      --Alfred Hitchcock


  3. Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call Destiny.
      --John Oliver Hobbes


  4. Give us the luxuries of life and we will dispense with the necessities.
      -- Oliver Wendell Holmes


  5. You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
      -- Bob Hope


  6. Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
      -- Bob Hope


  7. None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The records do not show that Adam and Eve were married.
      -- Ed Howe


  8. No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.
      --Ed Howe


  9. If you don't advertise yourself you will be advertised by your loving enemies.
      -- Elbert Hubbard


  10. Perfume: any smell that is used to drown a worse one.
      -- Elbert Hubbard


  11. You can lead a boy to college but you can't make him think.
      -- Elbert Hubbard


  12. A pessimist is one who has been intimately acquainted with an optimist.
      -- Elbert Hubbard


  13. Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.
      -- Kin Hubbard


  14. Everything comes to him who waits, except a loaned book.
      --Kin Hubbard


  15. Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
      --Kin Hubbard


  16. It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.
      --Kin Hubbard


  17.  - J -

  18. The truth is not always the same as the majority decision.
      --Pope Jean Paul


  19. Almost every man wastes part of his life attempting to display qualities which he does not possess.
      -- Samuel Johnson


  20. The truth is simple:
    You do not die from love.
    You only wish
    You did.
      --Erica Jong, There Is Only One Story, 1983
  21.  - K -

  22. Children are a great comfort in your old age -- and they help you reach it faster, too.
      --Lionel Kauffman


  23. Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house.
      --Jean Kerr


  24. Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.
      --Jean Kerr,Finishing Touches 1974
  25. Research is an organized method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have.
      --Charles Kettering


  26. If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.
      --Will Kommen


  27. Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
      --Fletcher Knebel


  28. Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river.
      --Nikita Krushchev


  29.  - L -

  30. Bread that must be sliced with an ax is bread that is too nourishing.
      --Fran Liebowitz, Metropolitan Life, 1978
  31. All major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
      --Bruce Leverett


  32. I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
      -- Joe E. Lewis


  33. I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
      -- Joe E. Lewis


  34. If you drink like a fish, don't drive. Swim.
      -- Joe E. Lewis


  35. It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
      --Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


  36. I don't like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves.
      --Joe Louis


  37. Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates....
      --Dr. A. Lawrence Lowell


  38.  - M -

  39. Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
      -- Don Marquis


  40. Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.
      -- Don Marquis


  41. The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
      --Shirley Maclaine


  42. The successful people are the ones who think up things for the rest of the world to keep busy at.
      --Don Marquis


  43. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
      --Groucho Marx


  44. A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
      --Groucho Marx


  45. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
      --Groucho Marx


  46. Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
      --Groucho Marx


  47. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
      --Groucho Marx


  48. Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it.
      --W. Somerset Maugham, author

  49. Only a mediocre writer is always at his best.
      -- W. Somerset Maugham


  50. 'Tis more blessed to give than to receive; for example, wedding presents.
      -- H.L. Mencken


  51. To be in love is merely to be in a state of perpetual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
      -- H.L. Mencken


  52. Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.
      -- H.L. Mencken


  53. Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
      -- H.L. Mencken


  54. No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
      --H.L. Mencken, philosopher

  55. If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to?
      --Bette Midler, singer and actress

  56. Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
      --Spike Milligan


  57. Everbody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
      -- George Moore


  58. A careful driver is one who honks his horn when he goes through a red light.
      -- Henry Morgan


  59. A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.
      --J.Pierpoint Morgan


  60. The world is divided into people who do things--and people who get the credit.
      -- Dwight Morrow


  61.  - N -

  62. They take the paper and they read the headlines.
    So they've heard of unemployment and
    they've heard of breadlines.
    And they philanthropically cure them all
    By getting up a costume charity ball.
      --Ogden Nash, from Pride Goeth Before a Raise

  63. People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
      --Ogden Nash


  64. A conservative is a man who wants the rules changed so no one can make a pile the way he did.
      -- Gregory Nunn


  65.  - O -

  66. A statesman shears the sheeep; the politician skins them.
      --Austin O'Malley


  67. I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
      --Robert Orben


  68. The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
      -- P.J. O'Rourke


  69. The secret of a successful restaurant is sharp knives.
      -- George Orwell


  70. Being Politically Correct means always having to say you're sorry.
      --Charles Osgood


  71. The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true.
      --Robert Oppenheimer


  72.  - P -

  73. There's a helluva distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
      --Dorothy Parker


  74. Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.
      --Maryon Pearson


  75. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
      --Laurence J. Peter


  76. South Sea natives who have been exposed to American movies classify them into two types, "kiss-kiss" and "bang-bang".
      --Hortense Powdermaker, 1950

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