- H
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- I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors
should be treated like cattle.
-- Alfred Hitchcock
- There is nothing quite so good as burial at sea. It is simple, tidy, and not very incriminating.
--Alfred Hitchcock
- Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster
they call Destiny.
--John Oliver Hobbes
- Give us the luxuries of life and we will dispense with the
necessities.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
- You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the
cake.
-- Bob Hope
- Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
-- Bob Hope
- None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The
records do not show that Adam and Eve were married.
-- Ed Howe
- No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better
opinion of him than he deserves.
--Ed Howe
- If you don't advertise yourself you will be advertised by your
loving enemies.
-- Elbert Hubbard
- Perfume: any smell that is used to drown a worse one.
-- Elbert Hubbard
- You can lead a boy to college but you can't make him think.
-- Elbert Hubbard
- A pessimist is one who has been intimately acquainted
with an optimist.
-- Elbert Hubbard
- Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.
-- Kin Hubbard
- Everything comes to him who waits, except a loaned book.
--Kin Hubbard
- Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
--Kin Hubbard
- It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and
wealth have both failed.
--Kin Hubbard
- J
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- The truth is not always the same as the majority decision.
--Pope Jean Paul
- Almost every man wastes part of his life attempting to display
qualities which he does not possess.
-- Samuel Johnson
- The truth is simple:
You do not die from love.
You only wish
You did.
--Erica Jong, There Is Only One Story, 1983
- K
-
- Children are a great comfort in your old age -- and they help you
reach it faster, too.
--Lionel Kauffman
- Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop
window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house.
--Jean Kerr
- Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.
--Jean Kerr,Finishing Touches 1974
- Research is an organized method for keeping you reasonably
dissatisfied with what you have.
--Charles Kettering
- If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.
--Will Kommen
- Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
--Fletcher Knebel
- Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge
where there is no river.
--Nikita Krushchev
- L
-
- Bread that must be sliced with an ax is bread that is too nourishing.
--Fran Liebowitz, Metropolitan Life, 1978
- All major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new
weaknesses.
--Bruce Leverett
- I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in
fourteen days I lost two weeks.
-- Joe E. Lewis
- I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
-- Joe E. Lewis
- If you drink like a fish, don't drive. Swim.
-- Joe E. Lewis
- It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why
you did it wrong.
--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
- I don't like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves.
--Joe Louis
- Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of
accumulates....
--Dr. A. Lawrence Lowell
- M
-
- Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are
willing to go through hell to get it.
-- Don Marquis
- Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking in a week or
two he will feel as good as ever.
-- Don Marquis
- The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be
amused.
--Shirley Maclaine
- The successful people are the ones who think up things for the rest of the world to keep busy at.
--Don Marquis
- Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
--Groucho Marx
- A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
--Groucho Marx
- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
--Groucho Marx
- Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read.
--Groucho Marx
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
--Groucho Marx
- Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have
nothing whatsoever to do with it.
--W. Somerset Maugham, author
- Only a mediocre writer is always at his best.
-- W. Somerset Maugham
- 'Tis more blessed to give than to receive; for example, wedding presents.
-- H.L. Mencken
- To be in love is merely to be in a state of perpetual anesthesia - to
mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
-- H.L. Mencken
- Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and
deserve to get it good and hard.
-- H.L. Mencken
- Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
-- H.L. Mencken
- No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
--H.L. Mencken, philosopher
- If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
books on how to?
--Bette Midler, singer and actress
- Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
--Spike Milligan
- Everbody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
-- George Moore
- A careful driver is one who honks his horn when he goes through a
red light.
-- Henry Morgan
- A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds
good, and a real one.
--J.Pierpoint Morgan
- The world is divided into people who do things--and people who get
the credit.
-- Dwight Morrow
- N
-
- They take the paper and they read the headlines.
So they've heard of unemployment and
they've heard of breadlines.
And they philanthropically cure them all
By getting up a costume charity ball.
--Ogden Nash, from Pride Goeth Before a Raise
- People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
--Ogden Nash
- A conservative is a man who wants the rules changed so no one can
make a pile the way he did.
-- Gregory Nunn
- O
-
- A statesman shears the sheeep; the politician skins them.
--Austin O'Malley
- I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back
home.
--Robert Orben
- The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller,
richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party
that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
- The secret of a successful restaurant is sharp knives.
-- George Orwell
- Being Politically Correct means always having to say you're sorry.
--Charles Osgood
- The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The
pessimist fears it is true.
--Robert Oppenheimer
- P
-
- There's a helluva distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has
truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
--Dorothy Parker
- Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.
--Maryon Pearson
- An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
--Laurence J. Peter
- South Sea natives who have been exposed to American movies classify them into two types, "kiss-kiss" and "bang-bang".
--Hortense Powdermaker, 1950
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