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Quotations #6:  Sarcasm
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     - R -

  1. If God had meant me to exercise, he'd put diamonds on the floor.
      --Joan Rivers

  2. What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
      --Will Rogers

  3. A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
      --Will Rogers

  4. I belong to no organized political party -- I am a Democrat.
      --Will Rogers

  5. Old men are fond of giving advice to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples.
      -- Francois de la Rouchefoucald

  6. Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.
      --Bertrand Russel

  7. The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
      --Mark Russell

  8.  - S -

  9. I love Americans, but not when they try to talk French. What a blessing it is that they never try to talk English.
      -- Saki (H. H. Munro)

  10. An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived.
      -- Herbert Samuel

  11. The tendency of an event to occur varies inversely with one's preparation for it.
      --David Searles

  12. I never thought much of the courage of a lion-tamer. Inside the cage he is at least safe from people.
      -- George Bernard Shaw

  13. Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.
      --George Bernard Shaw

  14. Love is the gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everyone else.
      -- George Bernard Shaw

  15. Great Britain and the United States are nations separated by a common language.
      -- George Bernard Shaw

  16. What is the use of straining after an amiable view of things, when a cynical view is most likely to be the true one?
      -- George Bernard Shaw

  17. He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
      --George Bernard Shaw

  18. Do you know what a pessimist is? A man who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
      -- George Bernard Shaw
  19. The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.
      --George Bernard Shaw

  20. Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
      -- George Bernard Shaw

  21. Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
      -- George Bernard Shaw

  22. Moral indignation is, in most cases, 2% moral, 48% indignation, and 50% envy.
      --Vittorio de Sica

  23. The more I see of man . . . the more I like dogs.
      -- Madam de Stael

  24. There's nothing wrong with the average person that a good psychiatrist can't exaggerate.
      --Toronto Star Newspaper

  25. In America, anyone can become president. That's one of the risks you take.
      --Adlai Stevenson

  26. Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
      --Publius Syrus

  27. Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
      -- Pubilius Syrus

  28.  - T -

  29. With sixty staring me in the face, I have developed inflammation of the sentence structure and definite hardening of the paragraphs.
      -- James Thurber

  30. Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.
      --James Thurber

  31. A great many open minds should be closed for repairs.
      --Toledo Blade Newspaper

  32. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
      --Lilly Tomlin, actress, author and commedian

  33. Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then - we elected them.
      --Lily Tomlin

  34. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
      --Lilly Tomlin, actress, author and commedian

  35. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.
      --Lilly Tomlin, actress, author and commedian

  36. I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
      -- Mark Twain

  37. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
      --Mark Twain

  38. The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lighning and the lightning bug.
      -- Mark Twain

  39. I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.
      -- Mark Twain

  40. If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a man and a dog.
      -- Mark Twain

  41. Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.
      --Mark Twain

  42. The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them.
      -- Mark Twain

  43. "Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people.
      -- Mark Twain

  44. Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.
      -- Mark Twain

  45. By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
      -- Mark Twain

  46. Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
      -- Mark Twain

  47. Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an asteroid.
      -- Mark Twain

  48. A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and no body wants to read.
      --Mark Twain

  49. I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful that one act was quite sufficient; whenever I have witnessed two acts I have gone away physically exhausted; and whenever I have ventured an entire opera the result has been the next thing to suicide.
      --Mark Twain, 1891

  50. Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
      --Mark Twain

  51. Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
      -- Mark Twain

  52. July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.
      -- Mark Twain, from Pudd'nhead Wilson

     - V -

  53. Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
      -- Judith Viorst

  54.  - W -

  55. Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.
      --Jane Wagner

  56. One is never more on trial than in the moment of excessive good fortune.
      --Lew Wallace

  57. I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
      --Mae West

  58. When women go wrong, men go right after them.
      --Mae West

  59. Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.
      -- E.B. White

  60. I am not young enough to know everything.
      -- Oscar Wilde

  61. Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.
      -- Oscar Wilde

  62. Bad artists always admire each other's work.
      -- Oscar Wilde

  63. Conscience and cowardice are really the same things.
      -- Oscar Wilde

  64. A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
      --Oscar Wilde

  65. Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.
      --Oscar Wilde, from Impressions of America (quoting someone in 'Leadville')

  66. Ah! Don't say that you agree with me. When People agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong.
      --Oscar Wilde

  67. It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. It produced a false impression.
      --Oscar Wilde, from The Importance of Being Earnest

  68. The good ended happily and the bad ended unhappily. That is what fiction means.
      --Oscar Wilde, from The Importance of Being Earnest

  69. On an occaision of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure.
      --Oscar Wilde, from The Importance of Being Earnest

  70. I couldn't help it. I can resist everything except temptation.
      --Oscar Wilde, from Lady Windermere's Fan

  71. Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
      -- Oscar Wilde

  72. Either the wallpaper goes or I do.
      -- Oscar Wilde, last words

  73. You can pick out actors by the glazed look that comes into their eyes when the conversation wanders away from themselves.
      -- Michael Wilding

  74. Twixt the optimist and pessimist
    The difference is droll:
    The optimist sees the doughnut
    But the pessimist sees the hole.
      -- McLandburgh Wilson, Optimist and Pessimist

  75. The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team.
      --John Wooden

  76. On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.
      --Virginia Woolf, playwrite

     - Z -

  77. The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.
      -- Israel Zangwill

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